Fragrance

Dewarist ! in me ... ...

2011-12-15T20:03:00.000-08:00

Music can make moments Divine !

Some listen songs, tunes, beats or words to forget time, pain or the moment within they are !

Music is their Rescue :)

but there are few for whom Music is form of Prayer ! way to connect !

Dewarist : Traditional dictionary doesn't have meaning for this. But urban dictionary gave me etymology of the word.

DEWARISM: noun (u) A social, political and economic doctrine, based on the writing of Tommy Dewar, expressing the conviction that the journey of life can be enjoyed without giving up on the achieving of success.

Sir Thomas Dewar, a famous whisky distiller and philosopher, believed success in life could be obtained without arduous work, as described in his concept of Dewarism.

Is it some kind of innovation only by Tommy Dewar ?

I remember in my childhood during vacation days at my father's village ( home town ) at my grandparents home, in the evening there were group of random rural locals, "banjara", would come. Do bonfire sit with locals, talk about what is happening in town, share some of their travel experiences and play some Music.

Their Music was very raw, beats were created with various utensils, bamboo sticks flute, stones, etc. vocals were in different bass and pitch. Song were simple local prayers , regional folk song, but it was just soothing at heart. Even if you don't personally go and attend them, whole town would hear faint scent of Music in air. It was just simple bliss.

How many can feel the Music?

Where is Music? in nice voice ? rhythmic tunes ?

Music is in every desire to be heard , any voice coming from heart. Music is in Symphony created by Nature at sun rise with leaf falling off, birds chirping, street dog getting up with a bark, there is even a rhythm in a sweeper cleaning the road with a broom. Music is in chaos of life around. There is Music in quiet night.

In and around going to unknown places, meeting and talking to strangers. A travelogue is perfect way to capture raw Music of life. I simply loved The Dewarist Series.

Best way to bring out unknown inside you is , explore unknown outside !

It is like hidden feeling , one needs to go and pick those tunes make Music out of it, just for own self.

Music is Soul !!

Khush

On the Path !!!

2011-12-12T01:20:00.000-08:00

On the path, who I am to myself?

Why Truth is so overrated and deserving?

There are so many bridges to build, to crossover to a side which is unknown, good or bad who knows?

But first , have to solve a thread that is broken inside… … …

Running around looking for peace, a quite corner to get lost!!! Disappointingly looked everywhere …

Finally I gave in and found serenity in Chaos… … …

Was looking out for inspiration and now I know there aremany stories within ….

Khush

Me, My home and 3 Singles females on the block !!

2011-11-07T01:53:00.000-08:00

If fiction got up to meet reality , first impression itself will be full of amazement.

Neighbors are crucial part of your life , if you are staying in India. Each state, in fact each city has it's own genes when it comes to neighborhood. Mumbai is full of isolated neighborhood, smile is good - hi, bye is very good and good morning, how are you? is close to acquaintance.But there is warmth in secluded behavior, respect for your privacy. Where as, Delhi is more like talking and show off what you have and realize what you don't. Competitive. Pushing you over edge.

But when you get down to 2-tier cities neighborhood is more integral part of you daily life. Housewives greeting daily to buy vegetables, father dropping each other's kids, mother-in-laws discussing about daughter-in-laws secretly, wives sharing their sacred space with each other seeking for support or for juvenile purpose. In short it is very well integrated life where family is distant but neighbors are part of your life and daily support system.

When I moved in this city, my transition was three fold. I lived my childhood in similar gene towns, one where neighbors of my parent's are still part of my life. But when I moved to Mumbai for 6 years I lived isolated, independent and free life. Every one around use to rush for work at same time, com back at same time, required same isolation for sanity sake, still when needed they where just around. Now when I am back in city with close neighborhood things have changed at some places. It is more cosmopolitan and upcoming new housing are similar like Mumbai or Delhi standard. But I am put up with 21 year old building cum society where everyone knows everyone.

My main attraction to this home was big windows for open sky and no high rise around giving me clean view on land, till my eyes can reach. An old but well renovated and homely place. In all of this I never thought about neighbors.

This is a story about 3 single females on my block. Question is why I am sharing about these people ? Each one has typical characteristics for survival in uncanny way. Some has honest goodness with harsh face, some has pretentious goodness through soft face and some are just lost souls. Being Single could be by choice, by fate and for some by desire for hidden fantasies.

Here my factitious mind met with reality of neighborhood on very first day when I moved in. As we unloaded piles of boxes , pieces of dispersed furniture a diagnostically opposite neighbor came out. Around early 50es, curly boy-cut hair with hint of grey, in her overnight gown. She started giving instruction to my mom ( who was helping me in whole shifting thing ) and laborer. After few tolerant moments my mom gave her due that unless asked she will not appreciate anyone interfering. Over few months I got to know her as very supporting , genuine , little loud but very honest, very knowledgeable, retired IT professional, speaks very pure hindi ( because she is from UP ), well read but " I lead my life on my way" type Single Woman.

She is my support if I need emergency gas cylinder, a company to share evening tea or want to discuss a book. Someone who can discuss history to glaring gossips of rest of the neighborhood. She is indeed moody but fact I like about her is there is no malice in her act or talk. She will never greet a person on our floor with smile but it will be with a question, what are you doing here ? it is protective reaction but unless you know her well you think it as rude and cynical.

Taught me : Don't go by face and tone of voice. Go by meaning of sentence. A person may sound rude but that might not be voice of heart.

Here, comes my second face-off with reality. Due to unopened boxes we didn't have bed or clean bedrooms to sleep. So me and my mom both were on couches in front room. Suddenly around 7: 00 am a dog started barking. Not just once but constantly for around 2 to 3 hours. Sounded like she ( Dog is female ) was just doing it to wake us up. And so here comes a story of my second neighbor. She is in mid fifties, higher secondary school teach from very well known English medium private school, Sardarni with long hair, widow with lean body and little pale face with deep eyes showing hardship that she has undertaken by raising two sons alone since very young age. She is the one who will always smile at you, with few greeting words she will limit herself. Never open up about her life and problems. Neither she will complain about anyone nor she will be part of issues. As her sons moved out one for studies and another one due to work all she has is DOG with her.

There were times we couldn't sleep or talk simply due to dog barking. Barking was new issue because recently both the sons had moved out so Dog was not use to staying alone. Not only me but many neighbors was disturbed with this. Once or twice I must have nicely told her but at times other floor people use to come to fight. Still house lady use to always smile, listen and show genuine apology but never took any actions to correct it. Over months dog got use to stay alone and things fell in place.

Taught me : Being just nice is not supportive to others but could be self energy preserving. Look at what is important to you , rest world can take care of itself.

At last, after settling with basic things when I realized it might take few days to get my official gas connection, my 3rd next door neighbor happen to ask me if I need anything as friendly gesture. I asked if I can get some temporary arrangement or some local contact person for this. But she offered her spare cylinder for temporary use. It was too welcoming before I could conclude with yes or no, my mom already accepted to avoid further tiredness to what we both had be part of. And this is introduction to her, She is in mid 40es, stout body, shabbily dressed, shallow and callous voice, too loud personality ( unnecessarily ) and single.

First few gestures were very friendly but as time moved on some things became too obvious with her lies. She was poky, with some scandalous business of her own her life was too shady. I started keeping my distance but over time when she stopped getting attention from me her frustrations went up the hills. Height of depression is because I don't talk to her she needs different means to engage like unnecessary and uncalled fight. So my day starts with some ajay devgan's mid 90's songs or jamebibai rap or sometimes night 60es rafi songs, playing in highest possible volume but cherry on top is end of the day soap opera dialogues that I would love to hate.

Taught me : Some people are like nuisance however you try, can't avoid. And world also has depressing loners who would love to fight to just get heard.

And that is the story of my neighborhood :)

I am wrong !

2011-10-22T09:08:00.001-07:00

I am wrong when I blame anyone,
When life is ordeal !
I am wrong when I look for answers,
When the quest is for questions!
I am wrong when I wait for things to happen,
When 'karma' is inevitable!
I am wrong when I wait for tomorrow,
When there are only 'today'!

Death is the subject of the day !

2011-10-06T23:56:00.001-07:00

Since I got too involved with juggling multiple hats,demanding job,growing kid,husband's start up, I have started getting displeased with non so useful activities of others which I find as waste. Like ladies standing in the building compound gossiping about neighbors and in-laws, neighbor keeping their TV volume so high that we can't hear our own thoughts, rickshaw driver prefer to sleep then earn money with ride, etc. list goes on...

My day starts at 5:30AM and end of my daily duty is around 8PM, last night after putting my daughter to sleep I went to my little self recovery activity 'reading'.

Suddenly, there was commotion of some furniture movement on floor above. I rushed to my daughter to see if she is sleeping. Luckily she was sleeping. I cursed the people on above floor, it got me thinking what on earth a 70+ retired couple is moving at such late night where as lady using the room above is almost paralyzed. I didn't give more than a min of thought to it.

Next day morning I got to know from my watchman that lady above my floor , 'are aap ko pata hai jinko paralysis jaisa tha' she died at 10:30 PM. I was like WHAT????

Immediately, along with my rest of the neighbors I went up to give my condolences to family and then when her husband too us to inside room to give our last respect to the lady. On big ice she was lying dressed in red, calm and peacefully. And then I saw her regular wooden bed moved in corner to make a room for her on floor. Her husband told us he was so shock as it was sudden, she died watching 'bade acche lagte hai' hindi drama she loved. He was in shock so everything was arranged by his friends.

I came back hating myself for that short annoyance I had last night. And suddenly everything that we are running after as mad rush, desire for materialistic thing all coming to look so meaningless.

Just when all this is as fresh as a day got to know about tech inspiration, innovator, self made man, who changed the history, Steve Jobs' death.

Death is ultimate reality for anyone. A destination shared by all. But remembrance of departure depends on how you lead your life.

How many lives you touched. And how you followed your heart.

Till death do as apart follow your heart.

My first 6 months :)

2011-09-09T03:24:00.000-07:00

Spent 3 whole days and nights walking back and forth from washroom to bed room, one room to another. Now !! no still more time ...Now no no... Again Now..

The world around was summed up with one word "When" ?

All the months of patience, excitement, anticipation of biggest wonder of our life ... all coming to peak of bursting, also in mind ;)

Finally I gave in, when the anesthetist standing on my head was asking me what did I study? where do I go to work? How is my boss? :P What does my husband do? on and on .... I was thinking back in my head "Hell do you think I care about giving my Bio right now?" but I had no energy or will to react, like mundane compulsion I was replying him mechanically just to fill-in time. Listening FM in background in OT ( it was wild and it amuses me till date ) I was in state of transit, something like "the world in between life and death".

There at 12:16 PM I was born again !!! A pink flesh bought out of me. To give me first hand of applaud everyone around screamed "it is girl, Congratulation !!! ". Then there were few seconds of void. My heart, my mind, my nerves, my organs, nothing in me knows what to make out of it. I am already parent to my kid sister, I am already eldest in my family, ( I have always been too grown up in mind for my age :P ) still at that moment it was all coming to question! I can still sense the experience of those few seconds in me. That state broke with steep cry, she was upside down I can't recall what I saw. But when she was taken to put on prenatal table my face turned to look there and I had tears rolling down. I am sure they weren't tears of pain, but tears which you can't name. When heart is full of emotions!!! joy or sadness , it pours out in tears to give away the intensity of emotion, it was of that sought!!!

Few years back, at the church on the way of crossing Bandra, I read this "A child gives a birth to Mother ". This line always stayed in my mind. And now she made it true for me. Yes, She gave birth to mother in me. Strongest bond that nature has created is between mother and child. Heard many times, but I felt it then!!!

Even at those early days , just after birth the moment she would open her eyes I would be alert from within. At times when she would cry, I too cried in helplessness desperation. As much as she wondered at newness of life or for white light around her, I too wondered at kind of miracle worker she is. At first I was anxious to make everything perfect for her. Little discomfort bought to her made me nervous, I would get mad at whoever it was. But slowly when she started accepting things around, I too learnt that I can't make life perfect, it is just that small moments that we need to enjoy, live to fullest to make it perfect.

Human emotions are very reactive. What is happiness? what is sadness ? what is grief ? and how we react to each of such emotions it is very mundane. But I became unconventional in my reactions for her, that is something I am still not able to comprehend, why? When she giggles I feel satisfaction, When she smiles I feel tranquilizing. When she cries world around me is lugubrious. Seeing her sleep is dearest moment of my day. I can keep on staring her for hours.Hugging her in sleep is my stress-buster.

Today when she is learning to sit, she oscillates at times falling behind, at times falling in side she wonders what happened? did world around fell off or it was me ? her eyes ask me in innocence, that amuses me. Then I realized she puts a trust in me to teach her way of life. She has given me chance to mold a life the way I would have wanted mine to be. I am scared as much as she is. I am learning life as much as she is. :) :) :)

I am obliged.

I anticipate she is going to bring wonders in our lives. I only wish she becomes a person alike her name, Noble Woman ( of Aaryan clan ) ''Aarya''.

A lot more to come here.....

My way or No way !!!

2011-08-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

Here he is ,

His arrival on earth was like "Raising of sun" in her life. More than joyous it was proud moment. He became centrifugal force. She started wearing his smile, his giggle, his sharpness, his beauty on her face to protect him at the same time to it show-off the world as her pricey possession. Nothing else mattered to her !!! Rest everything was there without reason, only 'He' was reason for her to look forward to tomorrow. As he grew up she became shade from world's ruthlessness, hard choices he had to make or rejection. No, she was just concern and wanted "the best" for him and from him. Best in studies, best in manner he paid his respect in love to her. Being more than what she asked, he proved himself more than demanded. Choices where laid down for him in prescribed manner. He was progressing ahead but on a path, which was already explored and came with an assurance of successful destination.

Then a day came when he had to go out, be on his own. Away from that shade. Out there making his own decisions, exploring. Suddenly he realised there is a lot more he need to see, he need to learn, to experiment. And interesting enough he got lure to go on untraveled road, to stumble upon, to fail - to fall and raise again. He embarked a journey of self discovery by making rules of his own. Decided to learn and live hard way. From the route of tried and tasted success he took the lopsided, sandy, rough and edgy route.

She found him going away. Lured by reality he seemed fading away from her life. She found it hard to understand his language , a desire for struggle or new friends he made.

At first he tried a lot to make her aware of world outside, of his new dreams and passion. She heard them with bewilderment and contempt. Dejectedly she refused to acknowledge this change to him and to herself too. At first it was gap of generation, later it became deep narrow valley of different of thoughts, which was a jump away to across but depth of valley bought a fear for that small jump. As time passed he kept on making decisions to move ahead. She was around but not there, visible but not touchable.

One day he even tried to stop, take a few steps back to pick her where he left her and bring her along. Seems she had already decided “my way or no way”.

He understood. He got dishearten, deeply saddened. But then he told himself roots and branches always grow in different directions, but they are connection and bond between them grows strong unknowingly as time passes by.

He moved ahead on his journey to explore, to write his own destiny. Always with a hope someday she will get courage to take that jump and come on this side.

On Children
Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

The world, full of who I am !!

2011-08-11T12:08:00.000-07:00

The world, full of who I am !! not who I have become,

The world , where I actually belong,

Reminding me ,

Sea is facing my failures with courage of waves again and again,

Sky is mirror to my heart,

Fears lurking out of horizon playing hide & seek,

In chaos around I only hear rhythm waves and beats of my heart,

Saying again ,

I will be who I am , not who I have become !!!

Closing the windows to outside world is the only way to open the doors of inside !!

How my Statistic Teacher taught me "Curd Rice"!!!

2011-08-03T01:16:00.000-07:00

Today

********

Food is cooked and as usual hubby doesn’t like what iscooked by cook and asks me to make something. After office work, being mom nowI am wearing hat of the cook.

Fridge is out of vegetables and my mind is out of ideas.Only thing I found was leftover rice from morning. First thing that comes to mymind is “curd rice”. Though I am not big fan of south Indian food, but whodoesn’t like idli/ dosa. North or South average half the India starts the daywith southie breakfast. “Curd Rice” quick to make and interesting enough tosatisfy hubby’s taste bud. I was making it after long time, so took couple ofminutes to recollect the ingredients. And while making it I recalled how Ilearnt it.

2 years back

*****

One fine day hubby came home with a scrumptious taste ofhomemade “curd rice”, that he shared from colleague. Important to note iscolleague is very respected and senior to my hubby. Anyways I was asked tospeak to colleagues’ wife to learn it.

When I heard her for first time she sounded humble, soberand very much south Indian by accent. Those voice vibes made me like herimmediately without even meeting in person. She made sure I got the ingredientsand process right, just like moms make sure by twice assurance before hangingup. You know that extra care makes a person likeable immediately. Later on Ilearnt that she is Mathematics PHD and lecturer in one of learning MBA Collegein Mumbai. Must to mention here is, I didn’t find hint of proud or tiredness aswe spoke during late evening hours. With recipe sharing we started interestingfriendship. In spite of having very hectic teaching job, 3 year old baby andMumbai traffic to juggle, she use to make sure that she finishes one book aweek, very inspiring. We stayed in same colony so met occasionally in eveningwhile coming from work. It was first time when we were invited to their homefor “ganpati puja” we spent quite good time talking about casual things. Andthen we talked a lot about how we reached where we are and…….

8 years back

******

I have always been a lost student in my college days. For meEngineering was way to escape and explore life at the same time. Exams weremundane and mandatory to take; grades were just approval of going ahead. Ifonly, I would have taken my life and studies seriously at that point in time,course of life would have been different but hell yaa!!! I wouldn’t be same person,who I am today, so no regrets on that. But in that part of life only fun partwas spending time in classroom.

After spending one and half year of college life @ Nirma,the sure thing we learnt was there is no way out of classroom. College situatedpractically on highway between nowhere (then now the same college looks like inmiddle of city) study or not stay in classroom was rule. During class hour’scollege campus looked like in curfew with deserted grey building & greenlawn. As per college ritual I had gang of friends. Most of the time, we allhated attending lectures because most of the computer science lectures weregiven by just a bit senior guy/girls who has recently passed engineering so toogood to call faculties. Only difference between me and my friends was all ofthem were focused. In spite of playing around at classes they topped in exams,with GRE book in hand everyone had “dream US” or “dream marriage” decided. Butwhat the heck each one of us was crazy in our own way.

Semester 4 subject Probability, Statistic and NumericalMethods. This was just another semester and just another subject to study. Asimple girl, as bony as any school girl, with pale face, dark complexion,clothes looked like hanging on her body rather than worn. Her voice pitch wasso low that beyond 3^rd row it was really effort to listen her. Firstlecture and we all knew she is good teacher but we are not going to be good studentsJ. In one hour class wewould listen to first 15 mins when she will teach new method or subject. Then eitherthere is bollywood/hollywood game running on last pages of our note books orline of girls chatting …line of guys teasing… worst past was if we felt toobored we would just get up and say my lens is itching can I go out and wash myeyes. Even if you don’t wear them just say and walk out. Go out take a round tocanteen, have tea and come back just before lecture is about to get over. Attimes, someone would crack a joke and rest will have mute giggle. Sometimes I wouldmanage mute or with low sound laugh with my hand over mouth or something I wouldjust burst out loud. But we had this girl in our gang, quiet ambitious, sharp student,always got good ranks but would love to pretend that she is one of those whonever paid attention in class or study but just gets good marks by chance. Shehad this weird laugh, just like horse roar (I am seriously she does have thateven today J ).At times it was really fun when she would just burst out laughing and rest ofthe class would wonder what is wrong. Once we were even kicked out of class forthis.

As days passed we got too bored with this low pitch teacherwho is good, but not interesting enough to engage or enforcing enough to makeus concentrate. So we became nasty, before class we will collect all smallchalk sticks and whenever she turned her back to us to write something on blackboard we threw it near her legs or black board or sometimes it would just hit her.We also noticed her growing tiredness of us. Day by day she look worn out, wealways thought we are succeeding. One day she even blasted the class that we arethe worst lot of people she has encountered; funny part was we didn’t even realizethat she was blasting us it was too low volume pitch to call it scolding.

Interesting enough we would sometimes even ask her aboutdoubts and without any revenge she would solve them with enduring patient. That will make us wonder how cruel we are butguilt always passed as quickly as it came. Around mid semester suddenly she wasreplaced by another faculty who was no way fun. Because we couldn’t understandher methods as smoothly as earlier faculty nor we could do any extracurricularactivity as she was too loud and sharp. She was on who use to throw calk sticksat us if she found anyone chatting or doing something else. Just right personfor us, but then we missed our earlier day.

Later on we heard the rumor that earlier Maths faculty leftbecause she was tried teaching us. I know now when I think of this it is sillybut at that time it gave us some sense of pride like some achievement bykicking her out. Next day in class all first benchers gave us one spitefullook. But we all moved on, occasionally remembering all stupid things that we did,who was better at chalk throw. Just the way college life has to be.

Back to 2 years back

*******

…. And she told me how she teaching is thrill and passionfor her since childhood. Mathematics always been first love just like life,each problem has solution. Then she asked me, being Gujarati if I have anyrelatives in Ahmedabad, where she spent quite stressful time after marriagealone for 2 years to pursue a big break as faculty in reputed college. And I immediatelyasked which college as I also did my engineering from there. Bang….It wasNirma. Then back and forth questions which year she was there? Which stream of engineering?Which semester? Still nothing clicked in my mind… She told me she taught classof IT in semester 4. I thought ok you might be my teacher at one point in time;but I wasn’t sure as I never found anything so memorable about my college lifeto remember for so long. I felt something amiss in this conversation.

Suddenly after few minutes’ awkward silence she told me, youknow I taught this gang of naughty kids, I don’t recall everyone’s name but I doremember few… A guy with 6+ inch height, a girl with roaring laugh and big owllike eyes (she did give her name which was biggest surprise for me that she remembered)and few others …. Ya there was this girl with long hair…ohh was it you.

( Sure few of thesewere identifying characteristic of my gang tallest guy (6+ inches ) in college,hanging out with shorted guy (4.2 inches ), big eye girl, very studious curlyhair and slim girl, long hair always lost in her own world girl (me), very thinguy, computer hacking geek (who knew computers more than computer faculty ),simple short guju girl , rich NRI guy with good grade but never flashed himselfout.

I was stumped out, no one in my today’s life knows me who I wasin college. And those who knew me then hardly know who I am today. And here itis, she is more shocked then me. She told me you have turned out pretty well;out of all of you I never thought you would end up having corporate job and career.Now look at you being part of strategy team of one of the largest IT Company.

I survived the response with smile and updated her who iswhere and doing what.

She told me actual reason she left because 2 years alone in Ahmedabadand hubby in Pune it was too tiresome to travel back and forth over weekends. Itwas marriage over career decision and she is happy about it.

After that we stayedin touch exchanged books – titles that we read. She once told me it is hard to imagineyou so deep into reading and writing kind of thing, which even I find it hardto imagine for myselfJ.

Back to Today

*****

Here, I am making curd rice in my kitchen with a smile and realizedthat …

Strangest subject I have ever encountered is “life”, younever know which chapter gets linked where?

After long time...

2011-03-04T01:54:00.000-08:00

After long time I have putting my hand on writing something on this blog...
Missed you my dear blog page...

Life has been roller-coaster ride... the most beautiful experience comes with test of endurance
Strength to carry on, hope for better tomorrow.

Here , I have in my hands prize of my life, gift from nature, virtue of our good deeds, symbol of our love.... our future...my daughter...'Aarya'

Life is Simple !!!

2010-11-20T02:35:00.000-08:00

Last night, While toggling with TV channels I saw last couple of minutes of movie "Ratatouille" ...

In the end the review by critic is still hovering over my head...

******

In many ways, the work of a critic is easy.

We risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those

who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment.

We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read.

But the bitter truth we critics must face is that in the grand scheme of things,

the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so.

But there are times when a critic truly risks something and that is in the discovery

and defense of the new.

The world is often unkind to new talent, new creations.
The new needs friends.

Last night, I experienced something new,

an extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source.

To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions about fine cooking

is a gross understatement.

They have rocked me to my core.

In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain

for Chef Gusteau's famous motto, "Anyone can cook."

But I realize only now do I truly understand what he meant.

Not everyone can become a great artist,but a great artist can come from anywhere.

It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau's,

who is, in this critic's opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in France.

I will be returning to Gusteau's soon, hungry for more.

It was a great night.

The happiest of my life.

But the only thing predictable about life is its unpredictability.

*****

What was striking in this review.... "Simplicity and Honesty to accept ".

Life is simple !!! and it can be explained in simplest possible way !!!

Above words keep coming to my mind again and again :)

Khush

a few !!!

2010-08-07T00:12:00.000-07:00

Inspiration is boon, given to all

Realized by a few,

Strength is power, given to all

Regained by a few,

Rejections are just hurdles, given to all

Overcome by a few,

Love is way of life, given to all

Perceived and practiced by a few !!!

---

Khush

Lazy,,,,,,,In me !

2010-07-18T10:03:00.000-07:00

I noticed little bit of laziness in me.

It isn't lack of motivation but a phase or some cloud taking over me such that, I feel so inactive. Like it is abiding state....

It happens so, I think and plan for lots of things to do on particular events. Like one particular event I will do this or I will start doing that. I do plan a lot in my mind. For each possible situations/events I have my actions/plans defined so well in advance. And today when I see, many of triggering event have happened but my reciprocating actions have not.

Why?

No one but my self to blame, Sorry I am not going to do that also. Just trying to reason behind it. There is lazy person in me which at times takes over by making complete lethargic.

Like distraction I make sure to shake it off.

Here I am trying to be me again :)

Time in Hand

2010-07-09T23:56:00.000-07:00

Time in hand.

I always wanted some free time on hand, when I can think, just be idle and ponder. Action less state. My way of connecting. Connect to my thinking, source of influence and reason for my zippy ways. Mistakes are so much like chores but how do I try to curtail. Most important! I want to work on my unfurnished dream :)

When I see myself near this state! I realized it is zapped black out there. All that I always thought of, nothing happens like that. It is me or just normal??
Working on it, Chaos around is just noise but I am finding rhythm in it, Indolence is not just state but parasite which needs to be operated out.

The World of Idealism, heaven doesn't exist by itself, needs to be shaped.

Kind of the day you want !!!

2010-06-23T08:08:00.000-07:00

Up at early hours..yoga, good tea, early to work and not so bad day at work( kind of normal) ... topping is when you come back and still see day light, open blue sky from window and no mental tiredness.

Kind of day you want !!!

But exactly when I thought of writing this as blog, it triggered no casual incident is worth listening, no ordinary story is reading material for anyone. What do I have to share ???

It popped momentarily as I write, my desire to make today "the kind of day I wanted". That extra will and that extra pushing myself at all level !!! :)

I Find myself lucky !

2010-06-20T12:06:00.001-07:00

In the world full of doubt and conspiracies in personal relationship. I have seen individuals finding meaning to their lives in sole isolation under the name of independence, individualities, career, space ! Is there any happiness in world which comes in isolation? Can birds do humming if nature doesn't blossom? Can rain come if there is no summer? Can we become child again if we don't become parent? Can u be loved if you don't give love back?
Lucky I am ! to find my state of pure happiness, a chance to love and loved by. I cherish every moment of laugh, cry , saving, spending, enjoying, dreaming, learning and unlearning that I have done in last 5 years :)
Khush

It is just matter of Time

2010-06-19T22:10:00.000-07:00

Yup,
It is just matter of time before we get use to things. Even things that we don't like.
I see the same happening to me.

5 years a row working in IT industry for 5 days a week was my life. Fridays are seen as planning time for weekend. Monday all rush to start and Friday all set to close @6.

But now here, I am back to my city where I found my first independence and some of important lessons of life. Meaning of Family and Friends, Face and Face-off, aim and reasons.
Back with different reason and some different action !
When I started working here "working Saturday" seems to be like hell putt of reason to hate everything around me. but as I was in 'Do and Die' kind of a the state. Even though I didn't like, I kept on doing because there was no way out. My cribbing eventually decreased and didn't realize when my relenting attitude changed. It easily became part of my system and now I get up on Saturdays just like any other working day. And didn't realize the change in my till I saw a friend's status message.."Hell working Saturday"
So, here I am thinking was it matter or time .....
And "reasons" are such a strong factor that can push us do things which otherwise not viable.

what are you looking for !!

2010-06-09T04:54:00.000-07:00

I plan,
I think,
I decide,
I act.

there is one thing "end result" which is no ways in my control !

I Human !!!

2010-05-27T00:17:00.000-07:00

I demand,
I dream,
A cliff of challenge!
Here comes an edge,
And
Suddenly a glimpse of deep valley!!
Scares me,
I baffle,
Defy my destiny!!!
I Human,
Reclaim the self,
Dream
Destiny !!! !!! !!!

Freed…

2010-04-27T11:30:00.001-07:00

It is so typical to have patterns, rules, definition for everything we do.
Since birth we are taught rules and ways to live. School, good marks, better paying job then marriage on time and then last in a row is kids also on time, after this cycle repeats again. Apart from this, everything age and time is being patterned, for us to just step in and live life. Mold is created, put each life in that mold, only difference is there are different souls and human bodies into it. To the core way of life is the same. The way we plan our life is so defined, some by nature, which we just can’t control but worrisome are once defined by social establishment. No harm!!! it is so working perfectly, till now and so it will go on. Very much sought out!! Happy go lucky life!!! We don’t have to wonder or decide what to do at what time… We don’t have control over things but these definitions do.
Some problems I see are:
As adolescent we study and told we should only study, nothing else… … … so, mentally we are not student after formal education. Yes, question is how many of us have this aptitude to be student after graduation, post graduation. Like being student in daily life, learning from life, experience, situations? Micro aspects!!! I don’t see much around me like this.
This goes up with all ages.. … … when you have to earn …just earn…
I don’t have answer to everything? But putting an introspective question for all here, Have we thought ever “If we are not told what we should do at particular point in life, would we be doing the same “?
Let’s not discount civilization learning’s,but make ourselves free from definition and design our life…

Alive

2010-04-26T04:01:00.001-07:00

Till you create, make your mind churn for answers & question to ponder upon – you are as good as dead. So was I!!! Rushing in and out of new job, new venture & new city trying to figure out daily, why I am here? By the end of the day conclude with myself with reasons and explanations.

Not able to put down a line is like, no food to my imagination!!!

But name of the game is getting back on the track, taking control in my hands again…. …. ….. so here I start again. Alive !!!

----
Khush

Welcome 2010

2010-01-05T02:27:00.001-08:00

Blank impression and mixed feeling I have for my first day at new job. I was happy in the start for everything it had to offer me, with one or two unexpected surprises.

Sudden piece of thought how and why unexpected always makes you unhappy or puts one in pensive mode. Unplanned way of life is often not welcomed easily.

So bored of regular life but so scared to make a change.

The way life is going to be for me from now on is, no ways conventional, planned or regular.

--
Khushi

Life is not perfect.

2009-12-15T00:17:00.001-08:00

Life is not perfect.

Nothing in life is perfect. This goes for all.

You get up in morning you are late. Missed a bus or train or got heavy traffic. Neither the grades nor the hikes come the way you had planned. Girl or guy you love you couldn't marry or if you got married, life is not like they way you thought. Traffic on road, balance in your bank account, or job in a dream company with a dream package nothing is perfect. Nothing is as per plan.

There are chaotic actions happening all around us. So much of randomness, unpredictability, unwanted events, sequence of situation on which we don't have control. Life gets driven by unknown forces. Where is life and sanity in that?

In every act of randomness I found regularity, in every act of unpredictability I found predicated happiness. How to extract and still enjoy, is life.

In chaotic traffic around you are getting late but in that unplanned not perfect moment, to sing and to get frustrated is what we call making anything perfect. Giving your own mistake a new perfect shape is life… … …

Nothing is perfect, but an attempt to make it perfect is life.

Khush

Living a dream

2009-12-12T00:50:00.000-08:00

I have a dream to become.. or to do.... or to start....

Is so common statement, that I have heard a lot from friends, family, colleagues....

What is the different between having a dream and living it.

One doesn't know unless he starts living it by taking steps to pursue it.

Courage, normally used in very generic terms or for actionable activities in my life. Has found a new meaning in recently. When I see, to live a dream I need to break shackles of general beliefs or regularity and patterned idea of happy & successful life. What I need the most is courage; to believe in my dreams , to stand up for myself against society , family and against myself at times.

At the end it is journey and unless I take a stop at unknown station, how will I know, what I would have missed if not taken that route? and to do that all you need is Courage.

-- Khush

Simple things

2009-11-13T03:04:00.001-08:00

Life is simple,
We love to complicate it at first and then try to simplify to get sense of achievement.

Life span given to us by nature is broken, arranged, structured in many ways. 24*7, month, day, week, weekend, Why ? to make us occupied. Fill the space with activities, which is what we call living the life opss that running the life.

Difference is grabbing piece of sandwich or burger while rushing to work and other is taking time to eat each bite of chocolate ice-cream with closed eyes and humm.... sound, feels like your soul is blessed.

Each day trying to move my life from Running to Living.

--
Khush

Blank space..

2009-11-03T22:17:00.000-08:00

There are things we aspire and dream to achieve in this life time...
Aim with which we lead our actions & so spend our days... with a target in heart and some in mind.

Assuming there is wonder and more to life after achievements....
Is it?

No, Life fun only still there is path....
Once achieved there is only blank space....Space again asking to be filled with more dreams....

Conquered the barrier

2009-10-22T10:58:00.001-07:00

Title of the article sounds heavy but content is simple. Proxy barrier was put on blogger by employer which stopped spelling my thoughts in 10 working hours ( when maximum brain churning things come to my mind :) ).

So here I start email blogging....

I am loving it..
--
Khush

Step Taken

2009-10-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

Finally I took a step towards unexplored journey....

What is life... living through known, safe and easy or discovering unknown, scared, danger?

Mostly others makes choices for you....in form of parents,elders,guardians....no harm... but to go beyond we can't go ahead with obvious....

Love it the way things are or dare to change it....
--
khush

Catching up !!

2009-09-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

It is been long I haven't sent a post... ... ...
Why, I wanted to check it with myself ? My mind came up with this reasoning. Main reason is office banning blogger. Rest all becomes appendage without much weight.
Oh! who to blame for? I stopped further reasoning from my mind and got up and told to my self. No one but myself. How?
Recent book I am reading bought me near a realization...human mind has amazing power. An untapped potential to challenge existing and exploring unknown. Reach beyond limits. Ability of creation. Go beyond conventionally described as potential.
And see here I am using my brain with useless explanations for myself for not writing a creative piece , for not interpreting myself,etc . So here on, I decide to catch up with myself without such exterior hindrance or internal useless reasoning... ... ... challenging my limits... .... .... ( and so my office network access limits ;) )
Will see more of you blogger....:)

Achievement!!! What is it actually?

2009-06-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

Achievement!!! What is it actually?

When I was child I was told to get good marks in studies like any other child in neighborhood. My mother’s strict instructions during my vacations use to be learning multiplication tables, which I somehow managed myself to mug up. It got rooted in me so deeply that even today if you ask me 15 8za in sleep, 120!! J I will say in sleep only. Though it takes me hell lot of time dealing with grocery calculations while I am awake. :)

I did manage to live up to my parent’s expectation up to threshold. Balancing my craving for exploring art and theirs having me science degree, good education and secure future. I studied chemistry in front of them in day time while writing poetries when I was assured they are sleeping like rest of the world. I was striving in my heart to achieve something in life. But it was never got clear that what is that “something”.

A tug war of marks, grades and heart sound which was not even properly heard was unbalanced from start. As it say grade won over what was so naïve in me, “My writing”. It got so much covered under semester exams, lack to true friends, campus placements, best job offers, first love, marriage, daily life… Writing me was merely existence without consciousness. My own consciousness wasn’t aware of it.

Events led me back to writing in bit and pieces. Though I am not great at it still it is something where I feel I am with myself. Even If I am competing, it is with my own self, no one but me. A single write up is extraction of what I am and what I can be put together in front of the world. With my thought and imaginations, my boundaries are extended and narrowed down by me with no one’s interference. As it is saying God resides in everyone and no job is bad. I don’t say what I do as earning is bad job. Millions of people die getting in IT. But my learning happens with writing and reading. Being at work which gives open space to my mind. Unlike some marketing presentation currently I am working on. J As it is truly said it is better to be late than never. Thanks to few friends who encourage me by reading my stupid blogs and of course! Bill gates for providing MS World with spell and grammar check that I am taking baby steps with writing. Ops forgot to say thanks to my job for providing me good time to think in direction I love to explore.

Point is how many of us are able to unwrap that piece of desire, stumbled and fallen within us so many times that now even we are not aware such existence. Question is how many best friends we have in our life that can help us to find real us through such discoveries in us? How many parents explore a child as individual not as living shadow of their own desires from life? How many school and university education really prepare you to face the world, learning to deal with life?

All these came back to me while one acquaintance told us “she is confused between two options for choosing right career for her daughter. SHE is confused? Not her daughter.

Again Question is what you will call an achievement for yourself listening to hidden treasures in you or leading the path chosen for you by others.

Are you grown up?

2009-06-17T09:55:00.000-07:00

Noises around me made my mind and heart synchronization link weak. Moment by moment...hour by hour… day by day… I am getting surrounded by cloud full of which have others words, opinions, saying, beliefs …

Where am I?

What does my heart say?

Since childhood I had this fascination to observe adults. I was trying to understand what makes them elderly. Number of gray hairs, number of birthdays celebrated? Or that elderly look on their face. Today I feel what makes a person adult is choices he make. Decisions he takes in life and most importantly the way they stand with it.

During my recent never ending car learning lessons, I was taught to drive on hill. My tutor told me one thing… higher gears will give you speed… but that won’t take you up on the hill, for that your require power… if you want to climb up hill you will have to shift to lower gear and take power and then move up. That process of shifting in lower gear with ease and perseverance is the key in hill driving.

I tighten myself up for task. All I had to do was to believe myself that I can do this. And shift to lower gear with proper leave gear and soft acceleration tuning and when the right moment come move to next gear. I got stuck at first but then managed to reach the destination.

Task looks so simple but when I thought about it and related this to life. There is resembling meaning in process. We want fast growth, move fast in life, more money, better career positions so we shift our value, virtues, belief in upper gears. Without realizing no road is flat always and so life. When we approach an uphill moment of your life, that moment is missed without realizing the need to shift to lower gear. Aligning our consciences aligning with heart and mind for reaching destination key to living life.

I more thing I was told during my lessons was it is not important that you just reach your destination, but you should enjoy the drive- journey, it is equally important how you reach there

So here I am thinking that, am I still mature adult? Answer is I not only need to learn shift to lower gears at right moment in my mountainous life but also making every part of journey joyous and eventful.

When i closed my eyes!!!

2009-05-14T07:37:00.000-07:00

When I closed my eyes,
World started opening to me,
When I stopped listening,
Everything got clarified to me,
When I stopped feeling,
Life became sensual to me,
When I started running away,
Suddenly!!! everything started coming to me......:)

Who I am ?

2009-03-18T23:52:00.000-07:00

I am walking.
For how long? On what ? heading where? is not known to me.
I am even asked, why am I walking ?

There are questions everywhere. Everything around is cluttered and shattered. I am asked to pick and sought it.

Here I am trying to find who I am?

What is the source of human energy?

2009-02-24T00:45:00.000-08:00

19-02-09

What is the source of human energy?

One will promptly say 'food'. I gave it a second thought today during my trip to Bangalore.

On regular day I would just be lazy enough to get up at 7:00 AM but today in-spite of sleeping at 1AM at night I got up fresh at 3:30AM to catch my 6:00AM flight.

While traveling from Bangalore Airport to work suddenly I realized I am not this fresh or excited daily. Why ? because it is daily!!! Not too sure myself, but my logic goes like this...the newness of job creates excitement !! in an excited state enthusiasm flourishes to bring zeal of energy which is otherwise there but rapped inside routine or monotony.

Out side world gives very few opportunities of freshness. Specially jobs that we do, after short span of time everything becomes monotonous. We just do it, no innovation, no freshness, no hearty desire to do it, I am doing because I have to. Real reason for everything just fades. So intern we don't see any improvements happening in our job as well as in our learning. At such times it becomes really important that we ourselves , break the shell of monotony and bring new element is everything we do.

Not only work but our relationships too some how are similar. Two people are together because they loved each others company, habits, intellectuals, humor, presence around, etc... But with time all these just gets rapped under the surface and what lies up is they are there, just there not together.

It is important for each of us to dig in and question ourselves about everything. Our work, what we do, our friends, our aspiration. With time everything changes. It will be like walking on the road with out even looking milestone where we are heading if we don't ask. Ask, ask and ask but oneself.

A thought broke my monotony. I am Re-energies my life by lightening source again.

How good the change is!!!

2009-01-31T02:25:00.000-08:00

We ask for change in life. Change from monotony of routine work, fixed scheduled, same travel routes ,colleagues etc. Some working people crave for break/holidays. But when we get holidays they are fun only for couple of days. After that I have seen most of the people getting restless within a week only. We are looking for change we get but we are not able to hold on and live it. Change is a phenomena always craved for but not conceived with same energy by everyone.

My moment of change (change of team & work) which I anticipated deeply. But when the moment came, there was a pause in my mind, everything was blank. Oh shit !!! what is happening. Am really going to work some where else? Registering the change in mind is not as subtle as spoken/demanded/discussed.

Same goes with Society, we demand for change. More freedom, liberalization, equal opportunities, culture change,etc. When any of that actually happens there is resistance from all the class of society.

Somewhere deep down we all are so rooted with same old feeling, ideas, habits that really making adapting a change is difficult.

Ray of Hope !!!

2009-01-22T02:26:00.000-08:00

As world changes around us more than anticipation. A super power of the world, An American Nation with President called "Barack Hussein Obama". Hussein ??? he didn't remove it during election campaigns. It is his legacy what he is following. He must have faced a lot but stood against opposition attacks, racism, everything that came on his way.... For nation like America it took hundreds of years to stand up and believe that power is within us not in the shade of the skin. First lady stand as case of 3rd generation after slave history by ancestors.
Change!! what I interpret is that they are not using their race as edge ... but in spite of it ( being black in county whose history goes out for white) their merit is their educations, struggle with odds and still standing. Standing among those who once would not make them stand straight.
I, as Indian, have same ray of hope!! that one day nation who has given best brains in industry,science, IT,etc will give the same in politics.

Fadding color of New Year Resolutions!!!

2009-01-12T03:33:00.000-08:00

My resolutions fads as count on the calender goes up.. it will be completely gone as new count starts in this year.
When I take up decision I behave as if I am writing on stone which will be followed as rule. There is so much of planning, imagining results and pre-enjoyment of out come also. Everything works out fine. Here comes execution part.
Weaker side of me evaporates the strength of decision and creates a cloud which rains with drops of laziness.. Oh!! getting up at 5:30AM... there are 3 alarms which reminds me of what I decided on 31st Dec. but all consciousness is buried under the blanket. The only thought come is Ok!! will start from tomorrow( which will never comes)...
I have asked myself why why why??? Why do I do the thing with myself again and again. Humans learn and make new mistakes everytime but rather well suited with animal species make same mistake of taking up resolution and breaking them... for myself...
So here I take up another decision of "not breaking the resolution" :)

Becoming a fan of Amir's Dedication!!!

2008-12-28T22:52:00.000-08:00

In one week since "GHAJINI" was released, I read sundry reviews about the movie. Frankly speaking "Momento" churned my mind so much that I really I spurned the idea of watching another Bollywood version of it.
While flying channel surfing my husband amd I caught Amir's promo episode (on MTV ) for movie where he was talking about his training and work out. It was rigorous muscle building exercise. We both were absolutely impressed by Amir's perseverance towards making those 8 packs and at last loosing them for next movie :) (loosing part impressed me more than making ). Though team of docs to dietitians and gym instructor to physiotherapy were standing at his diposal he was one who has to do all push ups, weights, running, etc.etc. Amir's dedication is what I am really moved with. (ya ya it follows with zeroes in his account too ;)) but there is sincerity with which he takes each role. Not only body building part but preparing oneself for a single character, getting into the skin of who exactly the imaginary character is. how do they feel. Like living their life. May be that is called loving the work you do.
I am not critic but I can't help myself comparing SRK with Amir. RNBJ's concept was fresh. Surinder's character conceptualization is like working middle class. Close to real. Whereas what it changes into is completely bogus, imaginary. It will be appropriate if I say duplicate of Yashraj movie’s Raj. Here, what am I comparing is portray of character. Duo characters in both movies are acted through same individual. The difference in both is substance.

Paid Vacation

2008-12-28T01:46:00.000-08:00

Reaching the top is what everyone aspires for career and personal life. Boom!! My career started with top floor of the firm I work with. Sounds great!!! Yea it really does. My job profile- a page long agenda, extensively extended meetings in which there are few brain cracking discussions. Oh Meetings!!! When I think of it what comes to my mind is bunch of barmy bunnies coming together for revelry. Because when one talks no one listens. The agenda of the meeting can be anything as insignificant as naming of simple program or as big as analyzing the P&L. Refreshment is part of agenda of each meeting (tea and coffee is served first then only a meeting starts). Where chair person of the meeting ask for lunch break at sharp 1PM in middle of brainstorming (some sensible talk which rarely happens).

On a lighter note I would say not everyone gives nonsense in such meetings but irony of the situation is supreme being of the team pursues the art to turn sense into nonsense with out even sense coming to sense that what is happening to its sense… J You go for meeting make presentation and plans with management jargons which can’t be explained with any dictionary or thesaurus. Did I say plans? Sorry boss!!! I forgot you strictly instructed us, we should use word “strategy”. There is strategy for strategy. Implementation is what we never care for (too low a standard)L. Operational is too far to think about.

Each meeting is extravaganza of performance by best of the class. And the characteristics of top performer are as follows. Carry yourself like you are carrying that load of the whole building. Talk using (barrens & CAT ) vocabulary where 4ps , 5Ss, 6Rs ( I know there not many but stops you to make your own) of the world are explained in it. Take deep breath in between two sentences as if brain is solving the mysteries of the world during that gap. Smirk when someone else is talking like only your wit has answer to all.

At the end the best part of top floor circus is like “Filmfare Cine Awards” each is awarded with some or other special category awards. How to make you feel you are special is not only your love interest’s job profile but all your bosses master it. You have all talents of the world. Management sees lots of potential in you. Management sees you growing at much better position and role. Each one has own version of award. So do me.

I was the mute spectator and now part of this for last 36 moths (here we don’t talk about years we talk about moths). Being part of it is entertaining at times.

Life doesn’t give such paid vacations to everyone. And not everyone who gets it realize it!

Awakening...!!!

2008-12-23T09:45:00.000-08:00

Today when I looked at myself in office washroom, I saw a glittering diamond pendant tighten around my neck with black seeds. Looks striking!!! ( is what I always feel when I see it) but this time “Married“ is the word that came in my mind like my shadow came out of me and told me “Yes you are growing Old” (ya exactly like hindi movies ).

I always thought of time as sand in my closed fist. But suddenly my inner voice asked me to open and see my closed hand. Some sand is flown. I immediately told myself the gaps between my fingers are culprit. Are they? I knew there were gaps from start still why do I made such mistake?

I sleep every night with bunch of to dos for my life for which there are plans in my head but action is always for tomorrow. Nothing today…. (Are there is whole life to do that......)

I came to my desk and closed my eyes. Again mirror!!! Feels like it was just few months back I use to dream about who will be my “Mr. Perfect”? And mine will be “Dream Wedding” but once when events start happening they don’t even give you time to realize the advent of era in your life. Unless events like this come as gift rapped from outside but when you open actually there is thunderstorm. Or I would now like to say Awakening!!!!

Knowing and Realizing are 90 degree angles. When knowing becomes realization life takes 90 degree change. Today some what similar path I want my life to take where I lead my life for my dreams. achievements, success, failures and the most important ACTIONS to achieve them.

Movers & Shakers of our life !!!

2008-12-04T03:32:00.000-08:00

When there is so much happening around.. the way events overlap and coincide that makes us loose the grip and understanding to connect and infer what means what? (by connect- I mean with ourselves...)
All of us think and plan the way we want our life to move and at times we are so much occupied with that planned idea that anything happening abruptly disturbs our inner balance... No doubt this happens with everyone.. some realises and rest just stays afloat.
I think that is why we need friends & family .... Movers & Shakers of our life ..
I am coming to the terms that difference between wish / desire / dream is very thin ...

For me that thin line is called "courage"... I am loosing courage to run after my dreams with the fear of loosing... without trying... but I feel lucky to have people in my life who always draw my line of courage back...

I heard this somewhere - " Anything what happens in outside world first takes place within us, in our heart, soul and thoughts."

Diamonds....

2008-08-06T14:56:00.000-07:00

Like all other young girls, I wanted an extraordinary diamond ring on my D-day and I got one which made me very happy.

Recently I saw a movie called ‘Blood Diamond’. It shook me the way Africans suffer because of whole diamond business by rest of the world. Not few hundreds or thousands but the whole country suffers. Why? Because people like me, from other part of the world, desire for diamonds. Who are completely unaware of what is going on? Who finds the diamond? Who worked on it? How many quarries or mines are searched? How many workers work there? Who kids don’t go to school but do this work?

Many will say do we really care? I will say have we really thought about it? Answer is simply NO… … …

These are not really questions how without doing any harm just with our desires how we affect other’s lives whom we don’t even know. Example can be petrol used by us which comes from one of gulf countries. We pay and our money goes to their country through the petrol company to their people to the country. Looks like Economics principles not but here I m not talking about trade or money flow or power. But I am talking about our actions and desires how they are lead to others misery and sorrows.

Some where I read that “if something bad happens to us means it is good for someone.. vise-versa if something good happens to us means some where some suffered because of it… … ...” means everything is interconnected in this world. Does this means we should not be really happy with in our heart when something good happens with us and there is nothing to be sad about because your sadness/miseries or loss is gain/happiness or did good to others… … … ???

If so than what is real happiness and sorrow for oneself without the interconnect with the world?

Doubt with our ability

2008-06-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

….Last Friday at work I was trying to convince a very good friend of my about an idea I believed in. My inability to convince her, lead us in argument. At the end she got convinced with a proposed idea but the dialogue ended by doubting our ability to do it or may be with the fear of loosing in front some so call “big people” at work.

The most terrible thing I felt about the whole episode was she doubting her ability. While coming home I thought a lot about it and realized so many times in our life we doubt our ability, we doubt other’s ability for doing things!!! Yes, we all do it. Why???? Is it because we really don’t know out potential or we really never challenge ourselves. Or may be we are tuned to believe in some patterned fashion and defined our limits.

I have heard lots of time this “that we actually use only like 4-5% of our brain capacity”. Science will have some different answer for this but my brain says this means we challenge our brain/ our ability/ strength only 4-5% of 100%. We can do scores of impossible targets but only thing what stops is our doubts…..

I will share what really supported my thought is a movie, based on a real life, which I saw the same Friday nightJ. “The World’s fasted Indian”. Burt Munro, a New Zealander who is obsessed with speed. The motorcycle which he bought in 1920 was in stock condition, with a 600 cc engine and 3 speed transmissions. He worked on the engine for years improved to 850 cc and for the first time at the age of 67 years, with serious heart problem and in spite of all difficulties travelled across to Bonneville Salt Flats near Wendover, Utah to follow his dream of setting a new land speed record with his Indian. After that he continued going to Bonneville and made number of world records.

He did care if people laughed at him, told him mad to go for bike race at age of 67 or physical condition, he put everything behind and did what he believed in and what he wanted to do.

Story says, there is nothing like inability, but disbelief and lack of determination what stop us … … …

Ask ourselves???

2008-05-12T02:36:00.000-07:00

Is our life momentary? Do we live for today?
Sounds very silly but since last few days this idea is stuck to me. We live in today thinking or keeping our tomorrows or futures in mind. Today if I do this how will it impact my tomorrow, all our actions are surrounded by this idea only and I don’t see it wrong. Even I do the same all time.
But now here I want to stop and think over it. Is it always worth thinking about future in our present??? Is it worth to spend today making or preparing for tomorrow. Intern we become engrossed with the idea of preparing today such that our tomorrow never comes in present.

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago. -Bernard Berenson

There is no objection to work to make your future better but question I want to put in front of our conscience is are we living or enjoying today for each moments?

Unbreakable bonds

2007-08-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

It feels like for long there was nothing in life and I was desperately waiting some "happening" things to come in picture of my current life time :) (sounds witty !!!) ya but now so many thing thing are happening around that today I really felt that I have no track where I am moving with my life.

At time feeling comes that I plan to LEAD my life in my way but there is someone else who is controlling all the time. That is the case with everyone I guess !! Sequence of event has made me so blank that one gloomy cloud has taken place between my brain and eyes.

Day starts with same Lazy getting up exercise I do with my life followed by my daily night determination of getting up early. It is like I decide to fight with my demons, called inability to get up early, every night and nicely give up on that in morning. Anyways that is not the point but after crossing first half of my journey towards work when I reach West to East near bus stop to feel more awake or as habit I started finding tea stall on first when I started going to office from my new stay or soon going to be home :). Where my company bus stands just exactly next lane I found one open tea stall. You can't exactly tell it tea stall it is front part of some one's house may be passage or area given in such way that road can be built. It is open two platforms on one there is small stove on which one old lady is always making some fried breakfast like "Vada, Break pakoda " and just behind that there is Small bench inside to sit and thin platform like table to keep plates. Ever thing at that place is very some close by and placed such a way that if move one whole set of things will be disturbed but still that small cozy stall has place for everyone who comes. There is one bench outside also where I find my bus drivers having tea and vada pau everyday. While this lady is frying vada or pau bread. In this whole scene you won't find anything unusual but when you look at them with some time and patience filled in your mind & eye there is ray to inspiration to extract from both of them. Time is only able to take age from them neither strength nor love. The feeling of togetherness which they have... they have fight with life.. I don't know the real story why so elderly couple has to work like this ? anything either kids have forgotten or they are not bless with any, whatever be the reason they know they have to be alive and they are in true sense.

Having everything doesn't mean life all the time.. having only one thing in life can also serve a purpose of life. I don't know how but looking at this couple everything morning has become my habit and i have reason for going there is fresh cup of tea.

World is an illusion....

2007-06-20T10:37:00.000-07:00

Today I saw a movie THE ILLUSIONIST, will be quite old but I really liked it. It was something about an artist who performed the best trick to get his love back. Whole story was like one big illusion drawn by some great artist or mastermind, which unknowingly provoked some irrational thoughts like many things in our life are also like this what see pursue and what is reality is different sometime later we realised what was reality but many times we end up living by Illusions shown to us either by what we call God or Nature. I really don't know why but after watching the movie I was quite amazed for sometime that one human mind got so much deep hidden corners which are most of the times undiscovered and what if all that have been discovered then would have been life today. Better or worst I am not the one who can discuss but ya sure can raise an question.

This tells me if I got power to imagine story like J K Rowling or business opportunity in Windows like Bill Gates, I can show a different world all together. Same way imagine if both of them have not imagined anything then do we have experienced Harry Porter or Computers so easy????? We can say we live in world of Illusion which is seen by some great magicians or Illusionists........and sameway everyone hold a power to change the world through their imaginations.....

Any experience is good experience

2007-06-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

I regrated a lot that why I am stuck here with this place and jerk boss who doesn't know what he wants from me or from any one of us. Anyways just now while I writing this I got one bashing round of shout from him why I went for lunch when he wanted to see me for some stupid time pass. Whatever I really don't care or respect him as person ya but I do respect his position so quietly listen what all he said.I think I went off track.When I started working here I was kind of happy and excited that I am getting something DIFFERENT to do but as time went I realised there is nothing different just it was one illusion shown to me by my bosses to get their stupid work done. As time progressed I started believing that this place and work is waste and my time is gone entirely wasted here, but day I feel this waste is not totally trash value. If I realise I really got few treasures here which till now I have not cherished fully. Like good friends, valuable lessons of life and how can I forget lots of free time. :)After all this what I understood as fact is creativity and greatness is more with doing simple work with heart, enthusiasm and perfection rather than finding anything like big or great work.

Where is life in metro....

2007-05-24T02:26:00.000-07:00

4 January 2005, I started living all alone to find my life in city of dreams, fun, love & career. Like one movie story I also found my love in this city, out of the blue suddenly life changed what one might just dream of. But after start what begins is STRUGGLE, which will last till you take last breathe, time keeps on moving, you keep on moving ahead without knowing where u are leading. Yesterday when I was travelling from most favourable and needed transport PUBLIC BUS I was just looking out of window, without thinking was just looking at things around, people rushing, fighting to move a bit ahead or pushing another to make place and i was just wondering after pushing one another and rushing or going a bit ahead in bus how much is that taking you ahead where are you as person ? working at same place doing samething everyday? No, I m not saying doing samething is bad but are we alive to do that or we carry a meaning of our life with us? Where everyone is leading towards, simple question puts me in confusion and make me ask what at the end of the day we want from our lives?

Money, Wealth, Status, Success,.......... what?

when you hit your bed what matters is peace within...and now I am again wondering what is that?...........

Meaning....

2007-05-22T23:38:00.000-07:00

Meaning of life .... it has so deep importance on us. there is mass who live for sake of living and end up one day the same way. Sometimes it is really blessing to be ignorant about facts but it is even worst when you run away from facts of life. Things are coming to you but just your inner fear stops you to accept that, it is so humanly to behave like that.
Meaning of things in my life is getting changed everyday. Today I really feel love is to understand myself better, give my best to my loved ones and helping other person to understand himself better. To touch a corner of heart which can't be reaches without one special ones or to reach horizons which lead you to all together different peace of mind is love.But when this one going process stops for a moment how should I make it moving? is my question today to myself and may be this is test which life is asking me today to answer.
On a way I can say this is also a part of process to make things moving well.

My own Demons

2007-05-07T23:20:00.000-07:00

It is so true what we hate the most we end up becoming the same and with me the same reality is becoming true. what I hated the most in life and thing which I use to get disgusted and frustrated with I am doing that same at the end with my. There is not one to blame in life. One can say it is situation which makes you do things or behave in particular way but here I really don't want to blame anyone or anything anymore.

Today I think Situations are the same with all. Everyone around me is taken aback by life but in different way. It is I think never ending situation when I see my future the same way as my part which I regrate the most. Means things which I got in life and I didn't like the same I am making myself prepared to give it to others. Noone can help me with this, people who love me will always do so inspite of what I am upto a point after that their affection will go away with reality and time. But now thinking about all such making so much determined with whatever be the case I will not make my future like past and that is only in my hand..... so here starts fights with my own demons....... :)

Time with my ownself......

2007-05-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

Often people talk about spending time with good friend or with good place or someone you would want to talk and share with but rarely people say I spend good time with my own self.

Actually talking about myself I love to stay with myself and talk but it is kind of I run away from it most of the time now a days. But when I realize that I am not doing that I feel reason is more that at times I am afraid of staying with my own self, ya kind of weird but truth. Things which I know I should have done or I would want to do my inabilities or in better words laziness stop me to do and knowing this fact I can't face myself. Knowing unknowingly this is the case with all that I have started observing.
Now before taking next big step in my life I really want to talk to myself about all the things I want in my life and I want to make do and don't check in mind.

Some sparks in my mind...

2007-04-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

It is so true when everyone say that we only have answers to our questions!!!!

Today when I see myself and people around I feel most of actions are for others, by one or other way people want to impress or show out talent to exterior world which are no ways related to us and at the end we want to prove them how great we are! May be because it is inner fear for our incapability's and flaws which we don't want to look at or even want to correct by any means and keep on covered by our own acts. Here I m not point to anyone, I also realised this in me also. But now after knowing this when I understand my own behavior with people and situation I really laugh at myself and my childishness. All this still doesn't make me clear about anything in life related to career still I know I got one path at least which will now or later lead to some point. So true that change is always from within and it only helps you with everything not to anyone else. Let how many more changes life will show me..................... :)

Understanding work..

2007-03-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

Job.. work.. career.. and life how all of these are connected in my life I m trying hard now a days to know and work out with all.

People will say what is so great in that to understand! but I will say yes there is with me for sure I have to. I never had any great ambition in my life for career till the time I was studying, in fact what is career that also I never knew. But as life changed and different dimensions came into picture now I really wonder can I end up becoming only working wife or should I make my own career. Career to is me is my own space where in I identify my talent and skill in best and give something to society or to world if not to all these then atleast to myself. May be in other words you end up doing something which satisfy you at the end of the day. Here all source of question comes what can satisfy a person ? :)

Life "what you want from life?" this question is asked to me many times...but answer is itself a question for me. Yes I have love in my life but I have always felt it untouched in difficult times as distance matters. May be I expect a lot from all my relationship to give me so I only end to being unhappy and who love me I end up hurting them. Today when I hurt someone because of my confusion and inabilities to understanding my work and life. What I felt was it is so important to become something in life but when you don't have someone by your side to cherish that , that success doesn't mean anything. Yes, it doesn't mean anything to me today if I do my masters but someone is away from me.

Today I am really trying to understand the meaning of work and career, It is never a comparison with outer world and competite. If I will see around me what all other are doing then may be I am much behind all in race but if I look at myself than I know what all I gained and what all I have with me in my life.

Things are always the same but I have now learnt to put in proper place in my life. Work to me is now a day activity which teach me some intricacy of organization and business and Career to me is what I will make with my life in hand.... yes I will make but I will never loose my life over all these that is what I know. For sure will never let all these take away very valuable person GOD has given to me in life.

We cry a lot throughout life that we don't have anyone to love or to associate with but when we get such person we make mistake by not identifying their value in our life...at last loss is ours... I think this what normally ever one does... It is hard to take decision but even harder to stick with it. ... but I have never learnt to do easy in life :) .............

Trip.....

2007-03-20T10:55:00.000-07:00

Life is never ending trap which takes everyone in without a person knowing it. I was also caught by it many times. Last time when I lost track with my life everything around was foggy and some distorted pictures where drawn around me. I become like one somatic person and lost meaning of myself, my relations, my surrounding....every thing associated with me lost its meaning with me. At that point I wanted a sudden hit which can break my long lasting hunted state with myself.. one sudden break in running train or bus which breaks a person's dream get them back in reality...I wanted one hit which can take me out of my haunted state and I went for trip with people I got one comfort corner.

Sometime I also wonder what is going inside me ? so I never understood what other person is thinking at a point. There are many people in my life I can say I know pretty well but I myself not sure weather I am sure or it is my illusion about my understanding of person.Anyways when I started my trip I never thought it will be more like spiritual journey than just freak out.People say night journey is not safe or good whatever but I felt like one should always start in night only.I still remember that time when I and my very good friend started talking on back seat of Qualis. Forgetting all what and who I am I started towards trip mentally.I still remember that clearance of sky and darkness which makes u feel that someone has poured darkness inside me and painted the sky with it and so I felt there is nothing dark in me. A friend who talks with you and listen some random things I speak which has no relation or nexus with other. Sometimes I was really not aware who is listening and what I am speaking. But ya I do feel there is a soul who is listening to me and my heart and my mind which is bounded inside my rules, situations & limitations. That sky, moon and corner of that car becomes warmly to me that I loose up my haunted thoughts and when I slept I also don't know. In between I opened my eyes because of lights of cars but they didn't disturbed me as I looked at sky I felt like I am talking to myself, rebounded with something what I lost in last few months and went back to sleep. I didn't keep track of time how long I was awake or how long I slept but I know that sleep was more like going to corner or world which is not touched because of your daily routine, no connection with yourself and suddenly one event which makes you more closure to everything left behind........ I remember after that in every morning I went on first seat to give place to others to sleep and there on first seat also I slept but that was my daily quota of sleep :). Whenever I woke up I remember roads where not even and there was disturbance but I was sleeping well adjusted in place where I was sitting. :) When we reached to Shaneshwer Temple I was wondering what is this and why we are here. I felt like I reached somewhere in rishikesh or badri nath. But then in some time I was in my senses and realised we are no longer allowed in temple.Yes they say women are not allowed for puja in that temple. I respect what rituals but never understood some of the meanings within. I have my own definition of being spiritual. Spirituality and religious feeling comes to me for very different aspect all together........(continue,,)

My life is not routine !!!

2007-03-07T09:03:00.000-08:00

Sitting here I thought of writing something.. but as usual nothing is coming as topic..
A person gets up everyday and does some routine defined work for him like going to school for kid, going to office for so called grown up person, same time one who says i don't do anything like homemakers or some road romeos ...they also go and end up doing some routine......... very much routine ... what, why and how .. without knowing they everyday end up doing same thing in life....... and same way without knowing they come on end of their life like that only.. I know today in some in-stable state of mind whatever I say I will also end up doing same thing but here I want to make some exception for me when i am grown old sitting with my grandchildren I want my own life and stories to talk about, my experience with things and something I achieved out of it. I want my life should have some meaning relating to world such that.. not everyone but at least it serves some meaning to few, it affect one or two, my life is life for someone. I don't want to end up in big Mela where I am just visitor who just comes visit every stall and goes out.. I don't want to enter in such place where I m part of crowd.

I never dream of being identified as some great unique person but ya I m not same like all. May be I end up doing same thing what people do...but truth is all I want in my life is my space even if it is just one step around me only not more, that will be the world to me where things move they way they want... not with rules, commands and society :)

I know I m doing same work what rest of industry is doing but I have different meaning for doing evertything in life even this also.. one day I may stop doing all that when I m done with it all. But that will be my decision.

In life people take many decision some are good, some are bad, some takes you forward and some puts u one first step .................. some gives u new life and some takes way everything from you... I have made my decision very well in life..Ya many times TIME tried to wave it and I also feel my decision in life are waving not sure or not much thought ..now I think but it is all about giving understanding to what is happening with yourself better then what the whole world is doing!!!! Few days back I also lost track of my life but today when I think no solution is away it is juat away to one thought or you giving looking towards otherside of coin!!!. May be I also haven't got solution to everything but ya today I am trying my best for it!!!

Strength.... in me...!!!

2007-02-03T08:21:00.000-08:00

Strength ... word itself contains meaning of world in it!!! today at point in my life i am asked to give strength to other and there i m thinking how can i give strength to another individual when I myself need self to build a wall against outside storms coming to me. I never knew that taking decision at your own makes mandatory for you to become strong get strength in yourself and your thoughts. Fear inside you makes you weak ...weak against everything but to over come that lots of strength is required. Today i m analysing meaning of this i am always giving strength to near ones whosoever trust me but today when i got weak a bit and longed for support i realised that world is neither that simple as you want or supportive. Every time this world asks me to pay me for my decisions, for my dreams, for me life the way i want and Yes i will pay by being strong and believing in my dreams my decisions.

Confusion......

2007-01-22T06:44:00.000-08:00

life... problems start with it and ends with it as well.. how and why no one knows...
I start my day with some blank thoughts keeping in mind that today I will do something different and gr8 but I end up doing the same usual things which I normally do. And at the end I ask myself where I stand and what I am doing and why? but answer coming nothing ... same place same work and same things coming to me again and again.... Confusion......... which leads to frustration.. ya..
I m confuse about my own self more than anything else.. I wonder about myself how and why do I have answer of other people's problem .... why everyone thinks that I can help them why??? and I do not know why and how I m able to do that.. ... ... when he just tells me what is wrong with him I do not know why and how all solutions comes from me...why I am able to answer what all he doesn't know... or he is confuse about .. why? After telling , I feel very good and satisfied I helped him or saved him from some loss... but when I ask same question to myself I really get confusion. Same is with Vandna since last 10 year she calls me when she is left with no option in life ..stuck and in turmoil and again I come to rescue her but why I do that? when I do not know answers to my own self.. if I tell him... he will say I make things more Complex...do I ?
Yes , because I really do not understand meaning of my problem and life.. more than anything else.... I really feel when it comes to my close ones I am so true for solutions but with my own self many times I really do not know what to do ? ....... My boss always tells me one thing I think I have answer to my all problems which is not true according to him ... I agree with him but point here is even I do not know what is my problem.... so I am saying I am Confused with all around me.. ... all kinds of stress ,tension , environment pressure, competition, untruth fullness, not accomplished from inside..... I am at place I lead lights to other person's life but I do not know what and where my own soul is ...ya it is waiting to be in peace.. hope it comes soon...
May be one can say this lack of completeness gives me a need of someone!!! if I am so perfect and accomplished then I do not feel the need of someone in my life.......!!!!!!!!!!!

Ya my confusion at the end tells me that as individual...i m complete only with my soul mate... we both as one-- individual -- together to find meaning of each others life.. rather and more than our own..

I just pray this comes in reality soon...........

First mail of the year 2007

2007-01-02T04:34:00.001-08:00

My first day in office started like normal regular day after long holiday, looks like fresh start with relaxed way and i really thought of starting my work with new energy with some study and analysis reports as day started things were going smooth after lunch i was even more relaxed and planned to finish my day's work by 5:00 PM and go home for some shopping of household things... but suddenly my planning was washed away by a call from boss. He saw me laughing in balcony in cafeteria and i sensed that horror is coming back on way.
As i mentioned earlier he never liked me taking leave and on the last day before my holiday he was all furious to know that i m going on leave..where in he was expecting me working in office when everyone is on leave to prove my sincerity towards work and commitment. But now this sharpoint portal knowledge management is hanging like hell on my head as it is every one's responsibility but i m only answerable person according to him.
He called me when there were 2 Microsoft sales people were seated in his office and in front of them he asked me status and i replied that it was due as we are waiting for CD key from their side and boss's tone got worst and sarcastic on them saying because you guys missed giving this peace of information she escaped to long holiday on the contrary she should be working here, i want to make her life all miserable to make up for what she enjoyed in last few days.I standing there in confusion that what he is saying and trying to analyse what he meant whether it was rude way of training or worst way of insulting someone who made a mistake of taking leave to be with family.
In the state of trauma i just opened cubical door and he again blasted in shrewd tone did i asked you to leave? and i was again shocked and still there like statue. That two sales men sensed my inner fear where even i was not able to ! and came on rescue saying that where i went and how was my holiday and told my boss that good now she will be all fresh for new start. and again like roaring loin he said no she is enjoying to much and that is not considerable. That two poor souls were even more ashamed and again to rescue me they said we will finish this meeting and come to discuss with you later outside. and boss realising his role resumed back with his meeting and a moment i tried to come out of that cage he again back fired me saying you meet me afterwards.
Words which i hate that most since i started working here......... "meet me afterwards"
Sitting here i m analysing what happened in few moments... he crashed me verbally on his
best... and now i m preparing myself to stand on second round for day.

"Nothing happens unless first dream....!!!"

2006-11-19T00:41:00.000-08:00

Dream... one word which inspires whole word to live...... same is the case with me, DREAM.. which is actually a push to move ahead with things.. a courage to move ahead in worst and in hurdles.. sounds like someone is writing literature or flowery language for inspiration, I also felt the same many times but today I got some different views about it.
Dreams for me was simple feeling which was giving me smile on my face, imagination on all situation which are not there in reality, Illusory happiness ..................But when I sat back and thought about dreams I wonder what is it? I know this is big topic to talk about for scientists and all...... but what my understanding says is, It is desire within you which is lying deep inside your heart and your mind is not looking at it because of some or other circumstances like your environment or your counsiousness do not allow you to do so.....and I can say that is fantasy also of becoming or doing something which not common around, which one wanted but could not get it. Ya, that is true it is one way that a person is encouraged to achieve big heights or thing otherwise not possible….
I do not which is that DREAM I am going after ? Things which I never dreamt of I have got but does that mean that you get best only when you do not dream?
Going deep inside my heart till now I have never found any such things which I can clearly say as dream, I do not know what exactly I want at the end of my life,,,,,,,,,,,,, but I know certain things I never want,,,,, so with this... I am just trying to make picture of my dreams clear such that one day I get to know what exactly it is that I want......
I M lucky to get a person in my life who understands my dreams better than I do,,,,,
love.....

"When you think you have all the answers to the questions in your life, the questions change.

2006-11-13T09:55:00.000-08:00

Date 13/11/'06
Today day is same like every other day but it made change in me.... a single moment can change your life I heard that many times but this time it happened with me...Every day I find new meaning of love and life....
may be today I found new definition of love is to wait,to support and to feel a person when he is not around with space created by his absence.................
after getting up in morning only one thing I remember is that to call him and talk...talk ... talk and long talk...Nothing else....All good thing around me.... good feelings ... but that is not forever that is what life told me today.and that is not life.... to have one good thing you have to pay a lot for that and my third installment to life started today... to have better one later.. ya I already paid twice same way earlier but they were less painful than this.
But every time pain for that increases and got different feeling, more depth and more intense....
When the moment came .... It was nothing .. may be my mind and heart came together and decided that we do not want to think about it and we will not... so none of them reacted on it... .... ... infront of my eyes he went and he wanted me to come and say bye at station but I still do not know why I said no.. may be this time I was not that strong to do that.. ... ...
ya but I could not stop myself hugging him at last time without any fear or surrounding...
I came up and tried doing thing which is of no mean,,, like checking mails , chatting with some faltu people and orkutting.. but nothing got my interest diverted... still either my mind or heart is coming in state to accept truth that someone is gone and not around me.. finding new vague ideas like he is still in station and which is in same town .. .. .. at the end .. ... moment came when a big coal engine came drew him away.. from my place..... ... ... ... to avoid my thought process I slept... .. I still do not know what force..kept me sleeping for long time...how long I slept that also I do not know.. I got up and slowly it was getting dark outside my room and same applied inside my heart .. It started getting dark .. the low feeling started after getting up when I realized that there is noone to talk with and to give me feeling that I am wanted and love for someone.. ... ...
I tried my best to keep my fusion state of mind and heart stable ... ... ... Through some work like washing utensil and cleaning mess around .... putting cloths in rack... but a moment I started washing utensil I remembered time when I was cooking for someone and alwats tried drilling out my heart and my feelings in that food ... I do not know why... But I never loved cooking so much ..before knowing that he is food fan :)....automatically with out my knowledge my tears started washing that utensils along with tab water,... with no thought a smile came on my face along with it..may be when he was here ... what all I didn't understand or think about... I understood with that tears and smile..... together...ya I am " 1001 muh vali chuhiya"....
later my stomach gave me alarm that I am ignoring it's existance, so I managed something in plat and a moment I holded first piece of bread.. my fusion state came forward and I remembered just few hours back someone in-front of me sitting and holding a piece of sandwitch and forcing me to eat... was feeding me like a kid.. ... .. again eyes were wet...and followed with smile ... ... ... but could not eat.. ... ...
soon I realised that I need some figures moving, some movement around me is needed.. I tried calling all my room-mates... may be they can help me putting my heart and mind together in stable state... ... but at that time only all mess happend around them... I kept controlling my emotional and mental signals so that they do not get synchronized ...soon space around me was filled with humans...who shared words of sympathy with me .. ... but no one was feeling my fusion state, my imbalance with mind and heart...my lonelyness.. and then I asked myself why will they feel even .. who are they all to me.. ...one who matters ...who understands ... ... is only gone away...
I pity on all females whose husbands are far away with some or other cause like earnings or serving country... .. I even understood why along with that soldiers their family are honourable.
see I told you love is giving all understanding and new definition, new learning. May be I was not mature enough to think about what all he wanted me to do.. ... .. because I never wanted to apply my mind or my thought process when he was around my senses....but after he left everything started coming in place automatically.. ... ..
even I tried talking with people around me so that I can divert but in sometime everone was in their own world, inside one is laughing outside 2 are gigglling... I looked and realised my world is not here... I am alone.or can say left alone.. with my love and memories..
I managed to end my day with some routine and started writing this blog.. but again time tickled .. and I went to sleep... this time when I got up no dreams nothing ... black deep dark night and I went into it..deep inside .. putting my head on that pillow no one's hand to lay down on... noon'se hug to make you sleep...

Another day started but today morning I didn't feel like sleeping in that cold winter morning... ..which I always loved to sleep and dream.. .. got up and went for walk with roommate.. yes today my daily routine started after a month long dream land with my love.. all new experience staying close to someone you love and cooking ,eating, hanging out till late, going for all crazy movies, fighting in middle of road and then crying..... everythign is over now again back to that normal life... ... ... ... ...

But this normal life is transforming phase with lots of responsibilites and slient pitch which connects me always with him.....may be you can say transformation from girl to someone's woman.... ... ... ... ...

love.

Waiting

2006-05-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

hi ..
this is my first blog ..
i don't khnow...how it helps but i think this is the best way to get things out of
our ownselves... my new job started since .... last 4 month and after series of training still i am waiting for work......... as i am stuck with some new working area other then my kind of work .....
people say it is good but i don't know whether this first job will help me in bringing my dreams .......... i hope this helps me getting my ultimate goal done.. slowly now i started believing strongly that whatever happens is for good.....
let us see what is there in future ..... right now only waiting.....waiting...and only waiting......... is there...
god knows very well that i have very less patience that is why he is keeping me waiting for all that what i want ,,,,, i don't mind i will wait , fight and earn all what i want in life ,,,,,,,,

khush